Timericks

PACHYDERM PARADIGM

2005-03-29T10:37:00.000-06:00

The elephant cannot be rushed,
not like a sled dog to be mushed.
Should one you so prod
you'll soon meet your god,
as into a doily you're crushed.

IT'S SHOWTIME!

2005-03-26T09:28:00.000-06:00

Yesterday afternoon was the debut of a bright new red dwarf in the circus firmament; yours truly began his ringmaster duties with a four-thirty show in a half-filled tent. I had all of my announcements written on index cards, slipped into the inside pocket of my old-fashioned tuxedo coat. My robins egg blue cummerband was in place, as was my little blue tie and whistle looped around my neck. Keeping an eagle eye on the performance director, Don Raul, I carefully announced the litany of acts as it had been presented to me in rehearsal on Thursday night. Due to illness, the seven-man pyramid on the highwire was downsized to six and my index card on the dog and pony act went south at some point so I forgot to announce 'em, but otherwise the show ran as smooth as French silk pie. The peanut pitch, if I do say so myself, was especially professional; the kiddies overwhelmed the vendors, nearly plucking out a few vendor digits in their frenzy to buy a bag of peanuts with the special 'prize' coupon in it. The only fly in the ointment were my dress shoes, which have absolutely no arch support and so left my feet feeling as if they had traversed the Sahara. For the evening performance I switched over to my reliable Rockports, which I got as black and shiny as possible.
But today, Saturday, we are a world away from my sterling start. Real circus weather has come to Arlington -- a mean-spirited downpour that has turned the midway into paste, spattering mud like a political campaign. The rain thundered on the roof of my little trailer starting at four in the morning and, as of this writing on the same day at nine in the morning, it has not let up. I stayed snug & warm until I went to the cookhouse for breakfast at seven. It was a mere fifty yards to walk, but took me nearly a half hour as I tried to avoid whirlpools, quicksand and the occasional sea serpent that swam trimly by in the deluge. I should have waited in my bed; eventually the entire cookhouse would have floated by my trailer and I could've just reached out for a sweet roll and hot chocolate.
The leaden skies give no hint of remission. We do three shows today; 1:30, 4:30 and 7:30. I would gladly sacrifice a virgin or two to propitiate the weather gods but they are in short supply here at Carson & Barnes. Profanity, on the other hand, is so abundant and creative that the Webster's Dictionary people have been alerted to sail onto the circus lot to record the new and baffling ways people are inventing to curse their creator and impugn the purity of their own mothers.
Yet strangely enough, a Catholic mass is to be celebrated this evening after the last show in the tent. We carry several Catholic sisters with us. Why, I have yet to determine. But this is a very religious show. You would be, too, if you were drowning on dry land.
Now I must brave the elements once again as I leave the office wagon, where management graciously lets me noodle away on their computer, back to the dank bosom of my trailer to try and squeeze some of the moisture out of my clothing before mushrooms sprout on it. Man the lifeboats; women and children last!

GESTAPO WITH A DRAWL

2005-03-25T10:39:00.000-06:00

So I'm driving through Arlington, Texas, at four in the morning, on my way to the circus lot at the Festival Bazaar Shopping Center. Right smack in the middle of Arlington is the small municipality of Pantego -- like a cancer in the midst of healthy civic tissue. I'm no more than two blocks within the city limits when the first cop pulls me over. Says I didn't signal a left turn. Asks for driver's license & proof of insurance, all the while shining a spotlight in my face that would've highlighted Messerschmidts over London during World War Two. He keeps me by the side of the road for twenty minutes while he drools all over my credentials in his cop car. Because I've put on a suit and tie (the better to make a good first impression on my new boss at Carson & Barnes) and am driving a spiffy little Mercury Capri, the copper probably thinks I'm a Colombian drug lord and lets me off with a warning.
I carefully pull out onto Pioneer Parkway and resume my law-abiding way. Three minutes -- count 'em, folks, count 'em! -- three minutes later another flatfoot pulls me over. This time the crimebuster insists my license plate number is partially hidden under a layer of mud. Suppressing the urge to tell him to lick it off, I explain I have just driven through Kansas City, where a major winter storm kicked up enough gumbo to sink a battleship. He grumbles, rubs his chin, looks at my driver's license and insurance registration, and then triumphantly announces that I am now wearing a different pair of glasses from those on my license -- which was issued nearly ten years ago. Yes, officer, I have a new pair of glasses. We terrorists like to pull that kind of crafty switcheroo all the time.
The smell of newly minted Krispy Kreme Donuts from a nearby Kum-n-Go convenience store finally tempts the long arm of the law away from harassing me further, and I make it onto the lot just as the sun rises over the red and white stripped big top. A glorious sight, with mocking birds wheeling over the waving pennants and scattering their liquid notes like a benison. I have arrived at my new destiny. My black tuxedo and ruby red cummerband await me in the wardrobe tent. The microphone is warmed up and ready. Stay tuned for how my debut as equestrian director (that's ringmaster to you townies) is received by these Texas cowboys . . .

ADDENDUM

2005-03-21T15:44:00.000-06:00

After looking over Wartburg College I can now give you a definition of a Liberal Arts College: A place where the clerks wear suits and neckties and the professors run around in jeans.

HIT THE ROAD BEFORE IT HITS YOU

2005-03-21T14:53:00.000-06:00

I've officially begun my Grand Tour with Carson and Barnes circus. Rising at the crack of doom this morning I briskly packed my suitcase with underwear, a toothbrush, chipped ice, and some trinkets for the natives and set off for deepest, darkest Iowa. Traffic on 35W out of Minneapolis was light for morning rush hour; so light that I spotted several Hyundais take flight and sail off into the woolly cloudbanks above the IDS tower. Their drivers bailed out with parachutes before Homeland Security could shoot them down.
As I rattled south in my Mercury Capri it was hard to believe that just three days ago a howling blizzard had blanketed southern Minnesota with enough snow to sink Norway; now the barren fields are again a bleak, frozen black. The snow has evaporated. Only when I pulled into a den of iniquity commonly known as a gas station did I see any snow drifts, and I have a sneaking suspicion that under those snow drifts are buried all the poor souls who maxed out their credit cards while trying to pay for enough petrol to see them home. Gas prices are outrageous; but then, so is reality TV yet nobody blames OPEC for that. It's a conspiracy, if you ask me.
My destination today is Waverly, Iowa, home to Wartburg College, and a free overnight snooze on the couch of Rob and Karen Strong. Rob teaches Spanish at Wartburg, or so he tells me. I dropped into his office on campus just as another professor and he were discussing their upcoming trip to Mexico with a horde of students during spring break. Just exactly what two middle-aged college professors intend to do with a group of buxom and randy college students on the beach in Mexico during this bacchannal is subject to grave suspicion (and envy, if you're me.) No doubt each student will return fully able to crow: una cerveza, por favor.
I had the misfortune to miss Rob for lunch, arriving in town just after 1pm. The misfortune was not so much missing Rob (since I'll be seeing, and hearing, him all night tonight) but having to dine alone at a dismal shack called The Pizza Ranch. Some men fall for blondes, some are suckers for get-rich-quick-schemes, and some find destruction in a bottle -- I, on the other hand, continually meet my indigestable Waterloo at pizza shops. I never met a pizza I didn't like. Thus, I found myself this afternoon chewing manfully on something the menu waggishly labeled The Sweet Swine -- pineapple and bacon pizza. Had Moses written another volume to the Old Testament, I'm sure he would've banned this item most vehemently. I topped off my folly with a piece of fried dough deceptively labeled 'dessert pizza'. Rubber bands dipped in corn syrup, is more like it.
But let us not bandy but crabby words. The sun is out, the snow flees, the highway beckons and tomorrow I'll be on my way through Kansas City at the very least before stopping for the night in some modestly-priced caravannasery (it isn't spelled right but my spellcheck won't recognize anything remotely close to it, the dumb bauble, so go look it up yourself.) And tonight I have promised to mix together coconut milk, Thai curry paste, fish sauce, a few chicken bones, and a hank of galangeng to make a curry ferocious enough to scald the taste buds off a goat for mine host, Rob & Karen. Should you hear a foghorn racheting up during the night, please ignore; it is only a mild belch from the cornbelt.

ODE TO IRELAND

2005-03-19T11:46:00.000-06:00

The IRA loves shamrocks.
The IRA loves peace.
The IRA will shoot you
if they think you're police.

They know Saint Patrick's watching
their leprechaun hijinks.
So everytime they murder
they treat their friends to drinks.

Their brogue is quite beguiling
as children they mow down.
You ought to hear them singing
"In Heaven There's a Crown".

Their money comes from Irish
who've settled in our land;
to subsidize such bloodshed,
'tis glory great and grand!

So raise a glass to killing
with dollars from abroad.
Till no one left is standing
upon the dear old sod.

MUCH OF A MUCHNESS

2005-03-15T10:10:00.000-06:00

Casinos are now all the rage
to pay Government's blossoming wage.
I'm willing to bet
they'll soon use roulette
our income tax each year to gauge.

OUR TENDER HEARTS

2005-03-14T10:10:00.000-06:00

A minor can no longer be
locked up on Death Row cruelly.
Our hearts are more tender
as we gaily render
the unborn into fricassee.

TAX FACTS

2005-03-12T14:00:00.000-06:00

I've paid taxes all of my life,
submitting to Uncle Sam's knife
which shaves me so thin
I couldn't begin
as paneling for Duncan Phyfe.

STUDY HABITS

2005-03-11T13:18:00.001-06:00

The binge drinking campus routine
leaves students with brains rather lean.
They study in bars
while sipping on jars
of stuff not fit for kerosene.

BARNUM AND BAILEY

2005-03-11T13:18:00.000-06:00

Conducted on every newsstand,
the Jackson trial is out of hand.
We're treated daily
to Barnum and Bailey
while justice stays in Neverland.

MYRTLE AND HER TURTLE

2005-03-09T18:50:00.000-06:00

There was a blind woman named Myrtle
whose guide was a seeing-eye turtle.
I needn't repeat
when crossing the street
she found driver's curses quite fertile.

IF EVER MY HEALTH GOES DOWNHILL

2005-03-07T10:19:00.000-06:00

If ever my health goes downhill
and into a coma I spill,
I will be direct:
DO NOT DISCONNECT!
My kids can inherit the bill.

RENDITION

2005-03-06T13:14:00.000-06:00

Uncle Sam uses "rendition"
for prisoners in a position
to spill any beans
on terrorist means.
It's good work if you're a mortician.

THE ARMY IS LOW ON RECRUITS

2005-03-04T10:26:00.000-06:00

The Army is low on recruits.
They can't find enough willing brutes.
If they want scrappers
why not take rappers?
Those guys would gun down their own roots.

FOOD DUDE

2005-03-03T10:42:00.000-06:00

I go to a restaurant to eat,
not pose as some fancy aesthete.
No stiff sommelier
or rare crudites
can keep ketchup off of my meat.

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH

2005-03-02T10:46:00.000-06:00

Leftovers make a fine dinner.
As you grow old you get thinner.
The young are as chaste
as library paste.
And Hitler was not such a sinner.

THE BIRDS AND THE BEES

2005-02-23T13:53:00.000-06:00

Some call it the Birds and the Bees.
To me it's a kind of disease
with heming and hawing
and scratching and pawing;
you're either too hot or you freeze.

TUMMY TROUBLES

2005-02-19T14:48:00.000-06:00

In gastric bypass surgery
your stomach is stitched to your knee . . .
so when you incline
to unwisely dine
you kick yourself most steadily.

PUCK OUT OF LUCK

2005-02-18T10:13:00.000-06:00

With hockey pucks gathering dust
the NHL crumbles to rust;
a myth that is told
by men growing old
who know other sports leagues will bust.

CARING COPS

2005-02-17T12:46:00.000-06:00

Policemen are getting benign
and rarely now do they incline
towards using a gun
to get the job done.
A taser leaves no red design.

GIRLS AND GRIDLOCK

2005-02-16T10:17:00.000-06:00

Long before the Elder Pliny
girls were told they must be skinny
by men so obese
they drip in their grease
so they can ogle and whinny.

****************************

The faster we make our cars clock
the more they get stuck in gridlock.
The daily commute
crawls more like a newt
while gas prices put us in hock.

PUFF PIECE

2005-02-10T13:58:00.000-06:00

In Islam the fatwa is made
to justify rule by grenade.
You never can tell
when an infidel
will see the light through a Band-Aid.

LIKING THE VIKING

2005-02-09T10:08:00.000-06:00

Columbus is so behindhand.
The Vikings discovered our land!
The natives did frisk
them for lutefisk
but allowed that lefse was bland.

THIS CUTTING EDGE IS DULL

2005-02-08T10:19:00.000-06:00

Assured of his residency
Bush hacks at the budget with glee.
For anyone but
a Pentagon slut
the Food Shelf is dernier cri.

ARTSY FARTSY

2005-02-07T10:11:00.000-06:00

The art world considers legit
graffiti by every dimwit.
If it can be framed
a price will be named
that makes your eyes pop like a zit.

SHRINKING VIOLETS

2005-02-05T11:26:00.000-06:00

Our allies are shrinking apace;
they can't wait to do a volte-face.
Perhaps we've not paid
enough Foreign Aid
or given their emigrants space.

TALKING HEADS

2005-02-04T10:12:00.000-06:00

Celebrities interview well
since they have so little to tell.
Behind every smile
is just empty guile
that makes their speech a carousel.

SOCIAL INSECURITY

2005-02-03T10:08:00.000-06:00

The Social Security sum
that keeps you from being a bum
is no more steadfast
than a weathercast
or concrete mixed with bubblegum.

BRING IN DA NOISE (QUIETLY)

2005-02-02T10:12:00.000-06:00

When Marcel Marceau has gone
to reap his heavenly joys
we'll mark his passing, I hope,
with one full minute of noise.

THE PIGSKIN POLKA

2005-02-01T10:15:00.000-06:00

The country is wildly aflame
with rioting and counterclaim.
Although it may seem
a terrorist scheme
it's just for the Super Bowl game.

CELL PHONE MOAN

2005-01-31T10:11:00.000-06:00

The cell phone you buy at the mall
takes pictures and knits a cute shawl;
displays your email
then prints it in braille --
too bad you can't use it to call.

THE TROTSKY PLOTSKY

2005-01-29T14:16:00.000-06:00

There was an old commie named Trotsky
who found things in Russia too hotsky.
So he went to stay
down Mexico way.
An icepick there ended his plotsky.

WHEN YOU'RE TENURE

2005-01-29T13:56:00.000-06:00

The tenure they give to a teacher
makes him an impudent creature.
Lazy and facile;
ready to hassle
students who question this feature.

A BLEAK PEEK

2005-01-26T10:08:00.000-06:00

When women are feeling the blues
they often go out to buy shoes.
When men do despair
they grope the au pair
while watching the 10:00 news.

THERE'S JOHNNY!

2005-01-25T10:38:00.000-06:00

"Here's Johnny!" the heavenly host
is finally able to boast.
A deft monologue
on Pearly Gate smog
and then he brings on his first ghost.

SHADY SADIE

2005-01-23T13:34:00.000-06:00

There once was an athlete named Sadie
who dabbled in additives shady.
She made the tabloids
by taking steroids
and working as the bearded lady.

THE KING AND THE COPS

2005-01-20T10:16:00.000-06:00

What made Elvis mobbed by the girls
was his oily sneer and dark curls.
Plus his hip swivel
made censors snivel.
His singing was swine before pearls.

***************************************

The cops on intelligence short.
The lawyers don't know from a tort.
The judge cold as ice.
So take my advice:
For justice stay well out of court.

THE NOXIOUS BILL COLLECTOR

2005-01-19T10:14:00.000-06:00

See the noxious bill collector.
From the human race defector.
Souring the sweetest nectar.
Misery's efficient vector.

HIGHER POWER

2005-01-18T10:13:00.000-06:00

The thinking of mankind is rife
with a Higher Power in life.
Each Gentile or Jew
or Moslem or Sioux
confesses it's always his wife.

NON-PROPHET

2005-01-16T13:22:00.000-06:00

Consider the man Edgar Cayce
who claimed to predict, with God's grace,
where oil could be found
and what stocks were sound.
He died broke without a shoelace.

FOOD CHAIN PAIN

2005-01-15T14:02:00.000-06:00

The Food Pyramid sacrosanct
I hear is about to be yanked.
Now we castigate
each carbohydrate
and red meat is clearly outflanked.

IN HINDU KUSH

2005-01-14T13:09:00.000-06:00

A second term for Mr. Bush
reminds me that in Hindu Kush
the natives do chime:
'The higher you climb
the more we can see of your tush.'

DROLL POLL

2005-01-13T10:16:00.000-06:00

I'd rather be eaten by trolls
than vote at the Iraqi polls.
The gamut they run
would certainly stun
the hardiest horde of Mongols.

FOOD SHELF FOLLIES

2005-01-11T10:36:00.002-06:00

O who does not know the Food Shelf
is proof of America's pelf?
The rich and well-born
give one can of corn,
defeating starvation itself.

LETTER FROM AMY

2005-01-11T10:36:00.001-06:00

A letter from my enemy
sending her regards
makes me feel like donnikers
attacked by dim retards.

No dignity afforded us
as history recedes,
replaced by red-eyed calculus
about our mythic deeds.

Our seed is scattered, shattered hulls
that bloom too soon, too late;
pray hard they can escape all from
their parent's toxic fate.

The graveyard green will welcome soon
our pitiful attempt
to prove who was the better half
and who from grace exempt.

All earthly judges are obscene.
All earthly courts a jest.
I'll wait for God to give the palm
on who loved worst or best.

DANDY RANDY

2005-01-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

The game of football is aswoon
with Randy Moss shooting the moon.
Nobody can doubt
he is a big lout
for showing his golden doubloon.

STARBUCKS YUCKS

2005-01-10T10:55:00.000-06:00

At Starbucks I'm making the scene.
I'm sipping expensive caffeine.
I sit on a couch
and practice my slouch
while keeping my nose ring quite clean.

SCOTCH, IT AIN'T

2005-01-07T10:09:00.000-06:00

A thought that I cannot escape --
the world is a ball of duct tape.
Silver and sticky
lumpy doohickey;
we use it for play and for crape.

QUE PASA

2005-01-06T10:17:00.000-06:00

To order a Big Mac these days
you need to know the Spanish phrase;
at Walmart instead
of 'you' it's 'usted'.
Our English, she's planted in maize!

TOURIST TRAUMA

2005-01-05T10:10:00.000-06:00

The tourists are back in Phuket,
with corpses around them still wet.
Ignoring disease
and beggars faint pleas,
it's over their suntans they fret.

THE LAW

2005-01-04T10:15:00.000-06:00

Class action lawsuits, you should know,
are jobs of the pure driven snow.
The only ones who
do not get the screw
are lawyers whose fees grow and grow.

*************************************

Ice fishing is no more a sport
than is watching Judge Judy's court;
the difference is
that fish do not fizz
with bile they spill quart after quart.

IT ONLY TAKES ONE FRUITCAKE

2005-01-03T10:13:00.000-06:00

Conspiracy theories abound
about every subject around;
but John Birch would laugh
to hear only half
of what got us to Iraq ground.

OCEAN NOTION

2005-01-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

The ocean is so full of food
there's no need to worry or brood;
we can snarf sushi
like John Belushi
until every coral reef's nude.

CALENDAR CONUNDRUM

2004-12-30T10:15:00.000-06:00

I want a new calendar not
with photos of an ocelot
or mountain or lake
or even cheesecake;
just Bin Laden in a garrote.

THIS-N-THAT

2004-12-29T10:15:00.000-06:00

Here's a new party game I've invented called ON STEROIDS. Make a list of people & things, then put them on steroids to see what you come up with. Here are some examples:

A Volkswagen on steroids is The Batmobile.

The Pope on steroids is Billy Graham.

Barry Bonns on steroids is Barry Bonns.

George W. Bush on steroids is Mighty Mouse.

Dan Akroyd on steroids is Bill Murray.

Bill Murray on steroids is Robin Williams.

Robin Williams on steroids is Jim Carey.

Jim Carey on steroids is Curly Howard.

Don Knotts on steroids is Stephen Hawking.

Michael Eisner on steroids is Bugs Bunny.

Madonna on steroids is Britney Spears.

Donald Rumsfeld on steroids is Snidely Whiplash.

Dom Deluise on steroids is Luciano Pavoratti.

***************************************************

The Mother Goose nursery rhyme
is labeled a violent crime
by cloistered savants
who put on their pants
backwards, and one ear at a time.

#*#*#*#*#*#*#

All cars should be powered by cheese
or wheels that are turned by trained fleas;
this would override
carbon monoxide
to arrest the ozone striptease.

#*#*#*#*#*#*#*

The dietary supplement
is not priced very provident;
while doctors it may circumvent
for charlatans it's heaven-sent.

HOLIDAY SNEER

2004-12-27T10:47:00.000-06:00

Gifts I'm Returning This Year:

* NHL Season Tickets.

* Vicks Vapo Rub aftershave lotion.

* A Chia necktie.

* Tickle Me G.I. Joe doll.

* Do-it-yourself stomach-stapling kit from Home Depot.

* Afghanistan Bed & Breakfast Guide.

* Updated version of How To Win Friends and Influence People by Donald Rumsfeld.

* A bag of monogrammed ice cubes.

* Fruitcake from the Superglue company.

* A boombox labeled 'made in Palestine'.

* Ukrainian after-dinner mints.

* 'The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings Hip Hop' CD.

*************************************************************

Returning a present this year
is harder than reading King Lear.
The stores make you fill
out forms with a quill
and treat you like a racketeer.

**************************************************************

The seasonal airline inpasse
condenses a grim biomass.
Humanity prays
for no flight delays
while luggage all goes to Madras.

**************************************************************

Rumsfeld leaves his Washington lair
to visit Iraq with fanfare.
The reason's as plain
as a port wine stain:
He's got fewer enemies there.

STRINGING ALONG WITH THE CLONES

2004-12-23T15:06:00.000-06:00

In String Theory everything winds
round infinitesimal lines;
explaining with ease
the fact of string cheese
and the composition of twines.

*******************************

And now they can clone any pet
which means when you go to the vet
you can have Rover
planted in clover
then raise him again as subset.

***************************************

IN MINNESOTA IT'S SO COLD . . .

That Santa gives good boys and girls a lump of coal.

You have to put Tabasco Sauce in the car radiator instead of antifreeze.

All the thermometers have migrated South for the winter.

Ice fishing is considered an indoor sport.

Our state bird is the snowcone.

The Girl Scouts go door to door selling flamethrowers.

On Sundays we go looking for churchs that preach fire and brimstone.

The Northern Lights won't start without a block heater.

Instead of couch potatoes we have couch icebergs.

You have to dress in layers; first wool, then cotton, then permafrost.

A frozen daquiri is sterno mixed with vicks vapo-rub.

Public transportation is not only slow like a glacier, it is a glacier.

We use electric blankets for tableclothes.

An Alberta Clipper is just a Canadian haircut.

Homeland Security treats our weather forecasts as terrorist threats.

LITANY #2

2004-12-21T10:30:00.000-06:00

* Well begun is half-baked.

* A friend in need is a total stranger.

* The pen is mightier than the truth.

* A new broom spoils the broth.

* Still waters run out.

* In union there is dues.

* Every clod has a silver lining.

* Idle hands make chubby fingers.

* Two heads are better than a bearded lady.

TRIPTYCH

2004-12-21T10:23:00.000-06:00

The Vikings and Packers do play
their game upon a holy day.
Will fans go to Church?
Leave faith in the lurch?
Or switch to the meek NBA?

***********************************

Internet company Google
don't want a data base frugal.
The gobbledygook
from every book
is theirs, from zither to Brueghel.

*********************************

New books are really a smeller
with more filth than Rockefeller
had money on hand
or Sousa a band.
To me they're all a 'best cellar'.

MERRY HUMBUG

2004-12-17T13:29:00.000-06:00

The FDA, by implication,
guards the welfare of our nation;
what they stand for, by negation,
is Fatal Drug Administration.

*************************************

The Saviour was born in a shed
with animals all round his head.
But Christians today
will not hit the hay
if it smells at all quadruped.

HUMVEE HUMBUG

2004-12-16T10:09:00.000-06:00

While we all stand about yaking
armor for Humvees is lacking.
The heaviest spread
is still in the head
of those who give war their backing.

LAYOFF PAYOFF

2004-12-15T10:14:00.000-06:00

When companies lay off their crew
to fatten their dividend stew
I loudly complain
it just ain't humane
while more of their stock I accrue.

HOW ELSE COULD IT HAPPEN?

2004-12-14T10:15:00.000-06:00

Away with your scoffs and your sneers
about Santa and his reindeers!
He is just as real
as soap from Castile.
Who else could give Bush four more years?

LITANY #1

2004-12-13T10:14:00.000-06:00

* Life is what you fake it.

* All that glitters is not gay.

* A fool and his money are soon incorporated.

* Only the good die uninsured.

* Life is a beach, and then you drown.

* Stop and smell the roadkill.

* Better the devil you know than the accountant you don't.

* If at first you don't succeedd get a lawyer.

* A penny saved is a waste of time.

* Pity is only skin deep.

* Charity begins tomorrow.

* The grass is always greener with fertilizer.

* All's fair in love and taxes.

* Fish and visitors stink after three meals.

* Feed a cold and starve a doctor.

* He who laughs last is slow.

* When life hands you a lemon throw it at a Republican.

* To thine own self beware.

* Love thy neighbor but trust thy bankbook.

* Spare the rod and spoil the fishing.

* You can't tell a book by its critic.

* Where's there's smoke there's ashes.

* Rome wasn't built in Greece.

* You can't give an old dog new fleas.

* Don't look a tax deduction in the mouth.

* Two's company, three's a sitcom.

* Cleanliness is next to paranoia.

* One man's meat is another man's diet.

RUMSFELD AND RINGERS

2004-12-10T10:10:00.000-06:00

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld
a Q & A with troops has held.
It was quite a blunt
publicity stunt;
the soldiers his ego unswelled.

***************************************

Salvation Army bell ringers
are controlled by the left-wingers.
Your contributions
to the Aluetians
are sent for Eskimo swingers.

(to the tune of "Up on the Housetop")

2004-12-09T10:32:00.000-06:00

Up on the housetop the F.B.I
is hunting down a nasty spy.
Gutters and chimneys they scan with ease
just waiting for a suspicious sneeze.

Ho.Ho.Ho. They are so slow.
Ho.Ho.Ho. They wouldn't know
if on the housetop Osama bin
played carols on a mandolin.

Up on the housetop the C.I.A.
intercepts old Santa's sleigh
sending him off on a holiday
to the sunny shores of Guantanamo Bay.

Ho.Ho.Ho. They are so slow.
Ho.Ho.Ho. They wouldn't know
if on the housetop Osama bin
played carols on a mandolin.

Up on the housetop the Pentagon
blows up most of the front lawn
thinking insurgents are underneath
the manger scene or holly wreath.

Ho.Ho.Ho. They are so slow.
Ho.Ho.Ho. They wouldn't know
if on the housetop Osama bin
played carols on a mandolin.

trt

SCAM I AM

2004-12-08T10:07:00.000-06:00

I'm no longer me anymore;
I've been replaced by a raptor
who has gone phishing
leaving me wishing
to reinvent my credit score.

THE HEARTBREAK OF . . .

2004-12-07T10:38:00.000-06:00

The stigma of postnasal drip
has all of us in its moist grip.
To keep it at bay
we gargle and spray
with stuff that tastes just like sheep-dip.

LAME DUCK AMOK

2004-12-06T10:13:00.000-06:00

Our Congress will not run amok
as long as it stays a lame duck.
But the new session
will lack discretion
and stir up more mischief than Puck.

STEROID VOID

2004-12-04T10:18:00.000-06:00

Performance-enhancing drug use
helps even the weakest papoose
hit many home runs
and have steely buns
but cannot a Babe Ruth produce.

DIGITAL DUMMY

2004-12-03T13:15:00.000-06:00

The digital camera becomes
one more of technology's crumbs
swept into the lap
of every poor sap
who covers the lens with his thumbs.

VAGUE PLAGUE

2004-12-02T10:11:00.000-06:00

Some countries think they defeat AIDS
by throwing big noisy parades.
And then there's the group
that goes cock-a-hoop
for aspirin and barricades.

LUCK OF THE CANUCK

2004-12-01T10:36:00.000-06:00

In Canada Bush is received
by people a little bit peeved
that the Democrats
with all their brickbats
could not get their country reprieved.

YEASTER YEGGS

2004-11-30T10:27:00.000-06:00

Elections now in the Ukraine
give Putin & Bush a deep pain.
They each want their boy
to stop acting coy
like some kind of male Lois Lane.

SANTA SCROOGE

2004-11-29T10:14:00.000-06:00

Old Santa lives on a cheap plan,
globe-trotting without mini-van.
His reindeer eat grass.
They don't guzzle gas.
And elves only need Raisen Bran.

ONE TRICK BERRY

2004-11-26T10:16:00.000-06:00

The cranberry's active career
is focused on one day a year.
There is no supply
the Fourth of July;
at Easter it's deemed insincere.

ADIEU, DANNY BOY

2004-11-24T10:09:00.000-06:00

Dan Rather is saying adieu ~
with burbling news he is through;
leaving the anchor
to some poor wanker
who's got a much better hairdo.

I SHOP THEREFORE I AM

2004-11-23T11:32:00.000-06:00

Just how many shopping days till
our money is over the hill;
our sanity cracks
as credit cards max
and we wind up in Hooverville?

IT COULD HAPPEN

2004-11-15T10:15:00.000-06:00

I wonder where terrorists go
when finished with work here below.
As heroes they might
enjoy angel's flight . . .
and Bill Gates might be on skid row.

PALM PILOT

2004-11-08T10:11:00.000-06:00

The palm pilot is a device
to plan out your life so precise
that if you should laze
for too many days
it throws at you bedbugs and lice.

GOOD SPORTS

2004-11-05T13:44:00.000-06:00

John Kerry conceded with grace
which Bush received with a straight face.
For Kerry it's fine;
the only breadline
he'll be in is for bouillabase.

NAP TIME

2004-10-28T10:12:00.001-05:00

Our brave Iraq soldiers all doze
while bombs slip from under their nose
to make a return
in some roadside urn
that leaves behind nothing but toes.

NAP TIME

2004-10-28T10:12:00.000-05:00

Our brave Iraq soldiers all doze
while bombs slip from under their nose
to make a return
in some roadside urn
that leaves behind nothing but toes.

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

2004-10-27T10:07:00.000-05:00

Israelis do not like the tone
they're getting from Mr. Sharon.
He no longer foots
the bills for kibbutz
on land that the Arabs still own.

EISNENHOWER WAS RIGHT

2004-10-25T10:05:00.000-05:00

The country is going in pawn
to satisfy the Pentagon.
Each gizmo they buy
makes them less gun-shy
to plunder us like Genghis Khan.

INDIAN GIVER

2004-10-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

Pawlenty is starting to brag
he's after the Indian's swag.
That greedy paleface
thinks it's a disgrace
the White Man in scalping does lag.

ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS WE PRINT

2004-10-22T10:08:00.000-05:00

The New York Times drums in my head
the number of soldiers now dead.
But they find it hard
in their own backyard
to count Gotham's murders instead.

IN VINO VERITAS

2004-10-22T10:05:00.000-05:00

A vampire and Britney Spears
got loaded on too many beers.
"I suck!" the vamp cried.
"Me too!" she replied.
"But I'm backed up by profiteers."

FITS AND STARTS

2004-10-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

With movies so partisan now
your picture will not be a 'wow'
unless it depicts
the proper edicts
of Michael Moore's liberal Tao.

***********************************

Sweet charity starts in the home
which means that the further you roam
from your own doorstep
the more you must schlepp
a heart made out of styrofoam.

WHEN WORDS COLLIDE

2004-10-20T11:03:00.000-05:00

Cal Coolidge was so taciturn
that speaking gave him great heartburn.
Now logorrhea
is the idea
for which all our Presidents yearn.

THE CHADS ARE FALLING EARLY THIS YEAR

2004-10-19T13:12:00.000-05:00

The country's on needles and pins
as Florida's voting begins.
Their voting machines
are Rube Goldberg dreams
that send people to loony bins.

SUCCESS

2004-10-18T10:10:00.000-05:00

There's always a program at hand
to promise success on demand.
Some sure set of rules --
yet unheeding fools
ascend where I sink in quicksand.

IT ALL COMES OUT THE SAME PLACE

2004-10-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

Organic food tastes just the same
as stuff full of chemical shame.
It looks the same, too,
and the only clue
it's not, is the price leaves you lame.

DROLL POLL

2004-10-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

I don't see why we should take polls
more seriously than egg rolls.
Both are just a blend
of stuff we pretend
was not scrapped off of goldfish bowls.

JUST WONDERING

2004-10-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

What can a dad say who is straight
about Gays that won't sound like hate?
"Come seduce my son --
I know it's in fun --
as long as it's not the first date"?

**************************************

Mark Dayton advises to flee
the Washington vicinity.
He thinks there's a plot
to blow us to snot.
Or maybe he just wants to ski.

***************************************

Depending on who's got your ear
our Health Care's a cinch or bum steer.
All that's for certain
is when you're hurtin'
the doctor's out with his golf gear.

SO WHAT ELSE IS NEW?

2004-10-13T10:58:00.000-05:00

If more adults simply took naps
we wouldn't have such a sad lapse
in the good breeding
of people speeding
on freeways like drunken satraps.

*********************************************

In Tokyo suicides soar
as people begin to deplore
the fact that height bars
their basketball stars
from glory on some foreign shore.

JUST DESERTS

2004-10-12T10:31:00.000-05:00

In Heaven the pizza is free
and spread with the choicest of Brie.
But far, far Below,
where Democrats go,
it's soy extract exclusively.

VANNA, I'LL BORROW A VOWEL

2004-10-09T11:09:00.000-05:00

Debating the economy
is adding more salt to the sea.
Some think there's enough
while others rebuff
the idea of salinity.

GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY PILL

2004-10-08T13:16:00.000-05:00

They're recalling drugs at a rate
that certainly would indicate
pill-pushing bigwigs
think we're guinea pigs
who often die like an ingrate.